Journal Entry for July 29, 2007

I wonder a lot about the importance or lack of importance of adding value, and of being of value. Actually, if I am honest, this is an inner struggle I wrestle with quite often. I have a deep desire to add value to the organizations I am with, and the missions I am a part of. Yet, there is a deep sense in which I should avoid this "need to be needed".

I have been pondering this a lot on this trip in particular. I think this tension between wanting to add value, and at the same time wanting to avoid the need to be needed makes me hard to read at times. I want to step up, be a leader, and take charge when needed. Yet, I do not want to be one of those people who has a need for power.

When I think about my next step in my calling to ministry, there is a strong desire on my heart to be a senior/solo pastor. As I think about this, I wonder if part of this stems from a need to be valued. Valued for my contributions. Valued for my leadership. Valued as a human being. Then I wonderif a desire to be valued and to add value is a selfish thing or a healthy thing? Is it something I should be comfortable with or shy away from? Is God speaking to me through these thoughts and feelings about changing my situation or myself?

Should I consider a solo pastorate that pays even less?

Should I look at an associate pastor position and risk going through what I have went through in Colorado all over again?

At First Baptist, is my concern more that I am not adding value, or that I am not being valued, especially by those in leadership? I think my greatest fear is that at some point it may become both.


Should I pursue something new and different?