Sitting in My Angry Chair--August 1, 2007 Journal

I went on the prarie walk at camp today. Robin found it deeply moving. I found it heartwrenching, but in an informative way.

The thing I noticed, and have noticed whenever I have tried to practice the disciplines of silence and solitude, is that anger is never far from me.

As we were challenged to set everything aside as we went on our walk, there were lots of things I could set aside. As much as I tried to sweep anger away, it seemed that anger continued to want to be my companion. It was like I could hear anger breathing heavy behind me, and crouching over my shoulder whenever I tried to do anything on that walk. Anger may not even be the best word. It might be better to say that rage was my companion.

I am angry because in many ways it feels like I have been drawn into a beautiful wooded area on a camping trip, and in the middle of the night everyone decided to pick up camp and leave without me. And here I am in my personal life, on my journey of faith, and in my ministerial journey, left alone and abandoned in a vast wilderness I cannot find my way out of.

I am angry at my family (though not everyone), and some of the things that have happened recently. I am frustrated with parents of teenagers at the church (though not all of them), especially after my talk with one of the kids last night. I am frustrated with constantly being discounted and devalued by leadership at my church. And I am frustrated I did not write this down immediately after the prarie walk, so I could have written it better.