Boundaries and Assertiveness

A couple of weeks ago I met with a number of ministers. As we shared prayer request, I asked for prayer on knowing when to be courageous and when not to be as a pastor. All the pastors spoke up with advice. This made me angry because I was not seeking their advice but God's guidance. Their answers made it apparent to me (although not to them), that these kinds of questions were not an issue for them at all in their life. They did not struggle with the courage question. As I thought about it more, I realized that many of them already had an internal sense of how to establish themselves in such a way that they communicated love to their congregations and had enough boundaries and forthrightness to speak up when necessary. And, they had this comptency in every area of their lives. I, on the other hand, have spent a lot of my life trying to be good, make people happy, and do the right thing, often putting myself and my needs as last in consideration. After all, isnt that what we are taught as kids in Sunday School. Jesus comes first. Then others have the next priority. Then I am supposed to take last place.

The last couple of weeks I have been thinking a little bit about my boundaries. Specifically, I was thinking about them in relationship to the church. When do I speak up? When do I keep my mouth shut? When am I better of waiting to move forward? How fast do I move this little church forward? What things do I insist on change? What things is God trying to get me to change with as I adapt here instead of asking the church to change? How do my choices now effect my relationship with the congregation long term (I have especially thought about that one)

Mostly though, I think about when to be assertive and when not to be. Being an associate pastor for the last 10 years in one form or another, I knew that part of my boundaries were to support the direction of the senior pastor. Now I am a solo pastor in a strange new place.

One place I struggle is dealing with financial support. We are a small church. The finance person uses a spiral bound notebook for her ledger. Should I ask for clarification on questions about my financial support since I don't have a check stub? Are they going to think I am a money grubber if I do?

Another place has to do with privacy in the parsonage. Some folks walk in to the parsonage when we are gone without even asking us for permission to do so. One wanted to see what our newly remodled bathroom looked like. Another wanted to drop off a joke. Others had other reasons. But, it makes us both (but especially my wife) a little anxious that people are entering our home and spending time in it with us gone without permission.

As I started thinking through these issues, I began to realize that my assertiveness boundaries are not just something I struggle with at work, they are something I struggle with everywhere. As I young child I was strong-willed, and often asserted myself without regard for others. As I grew, I was taught this was innappropriate. In certain facets of my life, I wonder if I have over corrected. I also at times have had a bad temper. To deal with my bad temper, I learned to control my temper by forcing myself to take time to respond to issues. This in turn led to delayed anger, where I am ok with things in the moment, and then get more upset about them as time goes on. By the time I am ready to deal with a small thing that has grown big in my mind, the time has passed to address it.

Some ways I do well with appropriate boundries and assertiveness. Leading and participating in meetings. Standing my ground on theological convictions. Other times I gulp down and do not assert myself out of fear that I am being too selfish and petty. Sometimes this is good. Sometimes I let this fester in my family, my church, and with my friends as well.

The fact that this is not simply a work problem, but a personal problem in finding a comfort zone with this issue.

Anyway...something I am working on...