My singleness journey:
I once was young. Now I am 31 and over the hill. I am still single. Go figure.
This was not the way that is was supposed to be. I was engaged at 19. I was supposed to be married and have all seven of my kids by now. The boys should be named after philosophers and theologians like Calvin, Luther, Augustine, Soren, Dietrich, Blaise..you know. The girls should be named after biblical virtues like Faith, Hope, Charity, Joy etc. (I don't think I would name a child Chastity because everyone I knew named that couldnt live up to the name).
Everyone I have ever dated in now married, many with children. I am having to come to the point where I am not sure I will ever be married, ever have children, ever have a true, meaningful romance that lasts longer than 7 or 8 months.
Now I am sure that part of this is my fault. I am sad that I must admit that there are times when I sit in front of Walmart and watch people come in and out and wonder, how can those people find someone to love and I cannot. I see husbands that treat their wives poorly, even beating them, and they keep coming back. I sometimes think that all of this is because I am too fat or too ugly. Yet I see happily married folks that are more overweight and uglier. I think it has something to do with me somehow being too difficult of a person to deal with. Perhaps there is some merit to this. I have also chalked it up to being a total coward as far as initiating romantic relationships. This probably has even more merit.
A couple of years ago I read a book about singleness. It is by far the best book from a Christian perspective on the topic. The book is called Singles at the Crossroads and it is written by Albert Hsu. And it has to do with the Biblical understanding of the gift of singleness.
Many people have understood the gift of singleness as a spiritual gift. This is not the biblical perspective. When the Bible talks about the gift of singleness it talks about the gift of marriage (I Corinthians 7). God says through the Apostle Paul that "one person has one gift and one person has another." Paul is trying to communicate that both singleness and marriage are conditions that are blessed by God. They are both gifted states, and we should live in a way that enjoys the state that we are in and uses the unique situations we are in for God's glory. As a single person I can be more flexible than the married person. I have more freedom than a married person does. Well a married person, especially with children, must love more exclusively, I can love people more inclusively. I am more free to live out adventures that many people married with children will never have the opportunity to have. Besides, isn't it better to be single and have the freedom to marry in the future than to be married and want to be single? I look at most of the people that I know, and I would never, ever want to have a married relationship that is similar to theirs.
Well, since reading this I generally have a better attitude toward singleness. Although the celebacy aspect of Christian singleness leaves me feeling like a total freak sometimes, and sometimes jealousy gets the best of me, I try to remember that singleness is a gift. And, when I do I try to use the gift the best I can. I also try to remember that each of us has a journey that God has set us on, and a purpose on that journey.
I am 31, single, with no hope of marriage in the near future. Their could be worse things. A lot worse.
HE WHO LOVES NOT WOMEN, WINE, AND SONG.... REMAINS A FOOL HIS WHOLE LIFE LONG---- MARTIN LUTHER
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4 comments:
I thought over the hill was 40. But in any case, marriage is something God will save for you until you are ready for it. I know this from experience... I have had several tumultuous relationships in which I wished I could get married-- and wanted to even-- even though the relationships were not that good. Perhaps you are called to be single. But if you constantly find yourself yearning for marriage, maybe God has that intent for you and is just waiting for a good time in your life for it to happen. All the times I wanted to I was being impatient, and wanted things before they were feasible. I know now that doing what I wanted then would have made things much more difficult. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that God has your best interests in mind in His Plan for you, and that he'll take care of you.
Romance will come when you least expect it. It may not hurt to pray for a little courage too. :D
Praying for you,
Philbin
Oh, and one more thing. I found that the moment I completely let go of that portion of my life and put it into God's hands, I met an amazing woman, who I will probably marry. Maybe you just need to give up that part of your life to God?
While I ascribe to openness theology and I don't believe that God has an "ideal" future for you concerning things like jobs and partners and hairstyles, I do believe that His will is for us to have fulfilling lives. If He has placed in your heart a desire to be married, I honestly believe that He has done so for a purpose, and that is to prepare you for marriage.
I have read similar books on singleness, and have reached similar conclusions. It is important to be at one with your place in life, and I am perfectly happy to be single, in fact, I LOVE it. However, I do not believe that God would give you a desire for marriage and family without planning to gift you with both at some point. Granted, you should pray that the marriage won't be to work and the children will be your own if that is your desire. And I think it's okay to pray for those things. Not everyone is created to be the Apostle Paul, though. And while singleness (and the subsequent freedom it provides) may be the gift of the present, you should prepare yourself that it may not be the gift of the future.
And I agree with Philbin: sometimes the letting go and setting free of a desire can be the very thing that opens your opportunities. But don't be afraid to ask God to give you your heart's desire.
Great post, though. And you're not over the hill!
I agree with the others when they say that we need to give it to God but from my own experience that is super hard. I wish I could tell you that I have been able to give my desires over to God but I haven't. Maybe that means something? I don't know. I will just wait in antisipation I suppose.
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