Called Away

I stood up on that platform. And I was confident that the people could catch me. But I was not sure that they would. I am a big man. But I had done trust falls before. With squirly teenagers. From greater heights. And they had caught me. But this time I had concerns.

The camp was unique. From the beginning, it was structured in a more contemplative fashion. A way that encouraged youth and adult sponsors to seek God through prayer and spiritual disciplines. That part of the camp was brilliant. And it benefitted the kids and the other adult sponsors in many ways.

At the beginning of the camp, we were asked to come to God with a question or concern that we wanted God to speak to us about. My question was, "Do you want me doing this anymore?" By "this" I meant both youth ministry and ministry at First Baptist Church of Colorado Springs.

Admittedly, I came into the experience frustrated as it was. I do not like camps. God has used me to make a difference in people's lives at camps, and for that reason I continue to do them. And I have made friends at camps. And that is a good thing. But I prefer mission trips to camps or conferences. We did the camp because that is what the parents and kids that were left at church pushed for in the middle of our church crisis, and because I felt it might be what the kids needed even if it was not what I liked or what I wanted.

I don't like camps because camps seem to be a replay of my junior high years. Everybody seems to be connecting and growing closer to everybody, and I feel like the nerdy fat kid that nobody likes. The one exception is the class on camp leadership I took in seminary, because I had my buddy Shawn Geer as a roommate. (The way I remember it, Shawn could have had a room alone but chose to be my roommate because he did not feel having a room by yourself at camp was right. I felt valued and honored that he chose to share a room with me when he did not have to.) This camp gave so much free time to adults and kids on top of it, that I felt disconected from my group for big chunks of the day. (Have I ever said I like structure and clarity?) So, I throw all my camp issues in as a disclaimor.

As I went through the week, I kept asking my questions. I kept struggling through. I kept feeling this tug that God was leading me elsewhere. That I would not be at that church the next year.

I had a phone interview on one of those breaks with an area minister in Michigan. I was in conversation with another church, with youth ministry responsibilities, in Illinois.

My boss called to relay messages to me through the other adult leaders husband instead of calling me directly. I saw this as a sign he would never treat me with respect while I was working there (I was right).

The harder I tried to get connected with the kids, the further I felt from them.

There were a lot of other issues happening, but they do not need to be on a public web page. Some would embarass folks. Others would betray confidences. Others are just hurts that I have not shared with anyone, and should not be put on a public blog.

I guess what I am trying to say is I was struggling. And I was coming to God with this question all week. And I was leaning toward an answer. And there was a whole bunch of stuff going on in my heart and my soul. And it all kind of built up to this trust fall.

I was the first one to do the trust fall. And I was eager to do it. I was eager to do it because I needed my answer. Should I stay in youth ministry or not? Should I stay in Colorado Springs or not?

And I had this trust that the answer that I was seeking was supposed to be answered by that trust fall. These people represented God. If these people caught me, maybe God was supporting me in my ministry with youth and in Colorado Springs. If they dropped me, which hardly ever happens even with big boys like me, then it was a sign from God to move on. It was like God dropping me and no longer supporting me in my ministry I was at anymore.

They dropped me. I visited four churches in the next six months. Interviewed with 8. I preached in view of a call and tendered my resignation seven months later. But it was in Green Lake I knew I was being called away from Colorado Springs, and at that time was being called away from working with youth. I no longer had value there. And as far as I was concerned, I was a complete and total failure. The dropping had confirmed everything I felt and had sensed. I know it is not rational. I know it does not make sense. But that is how I felt.

Nearly a year after my first interview with Fowler (Feb 2), I am missing the work I used to do a little bit. A friend called me this week, and was excited about the young adult ministry in Colorado Springs. I guess a number of the folks that we started a small group with about 2 years ago are plugging in with an outreach that the church is doing. And the group is even growing. It sounded exciting. I was happy they were experiencing growth and success.

It also makes me wonder if maybe I wasn't as much of a failure in some regards as I thought I was. Especially with young adults. Maybe I did a lot of what I was called to do. Maybe I wasn't dropped by God. Maybe I was just let go, or released. And if that is the case, maybe I can hold out hope and dream that we will grow here.

Anyway, a email conversation with a friend made me think of this today, and I thought I would share it with you.