Green Lake Trip

At the end of July, I went on my summer trip with the teenagers in our church again. We went to Green Lake, WI via Minneapolis for the Quest Leadership Program, and we had a lot of fun. The kids were really easy to work with this year, which was really nice considering everything else that has happened at First Baptist. Here we are as we arrived at the Green Lake Camp and Conference Center in Green Lake, WI.



The program had us in small groups in the morning after worship. The kids had workshops in the afternoon, and then everyone had free time for about 2-3 hours in the afternoon. Here are a few of the kids swimming:




Here is a morning worship service after our prarie prayer walk:



Each evening we would have a worship time as well. The last evening we had worship around a campfire, as is traditional for church camps. Here I am with the girls that were on the trip:



In the coming days I will be adding some journal entries that I wrote during the week.

Obedience and Worship

I have been reading about worship and celebration in the classic book about Spiritual Disciplines called "Celebration of Discipline" by Richard Foster.

As I was reading I ran into this quote, "Just as worship begins in holy expectancy, it ends in holy obedience. If worship does not propel us into greater obedience it has not been worship. Holy Obedience saves worship from becoming an opiate, an escape from the pressing needs of the modern life. Worship enables us to hear the call to service clearly so that we respond." (173).

One of my frustrations with being a leader and a teacher in churches is I feel the constant demand from people to give them the "easy button" to a closer relationship with God. People want five purposes that are easy to apply and utterly change their life. They want one structural change to our churches programs that will make the "big difference", and will change everything. Furthermore, they don't want that easy thing to cost them very much.

Nowhere is this attitude more pervasive than in worship. Maybe if there was better music people say, than more people would walk through the door. Perhaps if there was a more dynamic sermon, than our faith journeys would be a little easier. In other words, if I had my way in this, that, or the other, than my life would be easier.

The truth is though, many of treat worship like the "opiate" or drug described in the quote. It is something to make me happy. To make me feel good. To make life a little easier. So we come to worship saying we want to hear God, but when we say we want to hear God what we mean is that we want God to whisper daily affirmations in our ear. We don't want to obey. We don't want to follow. That might mean we have to deal with our drinking problem, our greed, our anger, and do the hard work of choosing God over our destructive habits.

That is not an easy word to hear.

Journal Entry for July 29, 2007

I wonder a lot about the importance or lack of importance of adding value, and of being of value. Actually, if I am honest, this is an inner struggle I wrestle with quite often. I have a deep desire to add value to the organizations I am with, and the missions I am a part of. Yet, there is a deep sense in which I should avoid this "need to be needed".

I have been pondering this a lot on this trip in particular. I think this tension between wanting to add value, and at the same time wanting to avoid the need to be needed makes me hard to read at times. I want to step up, be a leader, and take charge when needed. Yet, I do not want to be one of those people who has a need for power.

When I think about my next step in my calling to ministry, there is a strong desire on my heart to be a senior/solo pastor. As I think about this, I wonder if part of this stems from a need to be valued. Valued for my contributions. Valued for my leadership. Valued as a human being. Then I wonderif a desire to be valued and to add value is a selfish thing or a healthy thing? Is it something I should be comfortable with or shy away from? Is God speaking to me through these thoughts and feelings about changing my situation or myself?

Should I consider a solo pastorate that pays even less?

Should I look at an associate pastor position and risk going through what I have went through in Colorado all over again?

At First Baptist, is my concern more that I am not adding value, or that I am not being valued, especially by those in leadership? I think my greatest fear is that at some point it may become both.


Should I pursue something new and different?

Reverend Green Thumb

A couple months ago, I considered whether having plants was too big a commitment for me. With as little time as I have, I wondered if I could really invest a lot of time in caring for some houseplants.

After careful consideration, I made the plunge into being a plant owner. I have found that I enjoy them more than I thought I might have at first. They make my apartment feel more like a home, and maintaining and caring for the plants is great for stress relief. I can just focus on the little things I need to do in caring for the plants, and forget about the stuff that is happening at work.

Here are a few of the plants

This first plant is my mother's choice from her visit this summer. She kept saying she wished she had a bigger pot to plant them in. I have a bigger pot now, but I prefer to save those for my plants instead of my annual flowers.

The second picture is a very poor image of something similar to a rubber plant. Will be great inside during the winter this year!

The third picture is not an aloe vera, but it is something in the same family. It is a little darker green, and seems to be a popular plant this year.

One of the tricks I have learned with houseplants is that if you want something generic, you can pic that up at Lowe's or Walmart. But, if you are looking for a plant that is a little bit more special, you are better off going to a nursery. I got this lupine at the nursery. I had to prune it back to only two shoots, but now look at it! It even has a flower that is starting to emerge.

I wanted a flower box or two for my small patio. Mom went shopping with me when I was here. I picked about 3/4 of the flowers, and then mom started taking over the whole project. Our combinded tastes went pretty well together, although I think she would have wanted a lot more fragrant plants. She did the arranging with the flower boxes. Looks good doesn't it. Both my mother and father have a good eye for such things.

This is another unique plant. It is some variation on the pink quill section of the bromilead family, although the quill looks more red and yellow than pink. This is one of the few versions of this type of plant that are potted. Many others of them don't have roots, and get their moisture from the air to grow and survive.

This plant is my sucess story. I got it with maybe four leaves on it from Walmart, but look at it now. It just keeps growing and growing.


More pictures later....

Journal for July 30, 2007

I chose to build off of my question from yesterday. With the kids, I asked them to carry one question with them through the week, and offer it as a question they could seek the answer for during their week at this conference.

My question is: Am I adding value in ministry to you, Lord? Do I really matter in your church's ministry, or are you finished with me there?

The Beauty of Adolescence--Journal July 31, 2007

I have been thinking a lot today about the beauty of adolescence and adolescent people as a group. Over and over again I am in awe of you, Lord, but none more than when I think of my kids that you have put into my care and smile. I love watching them grow. I love watching them bumble and tumble into adulthood.

I was watching James today, and I had to laugh. There he was digging around and diving underwater, picking up rocks in the swimming area, and moving them. He is some ways is like a little boy. But then there are times when I sit around and talk to him and I am in awe of the man he has become in the last four years. Thank you Lord for letting me have a small part in his life, and a small role in pointing him toward you.

There is so much I lose patience with in youth ministry. I get tired of all the goofy games. I get tired of challenging kids to care, and feeling like they never do. But I love loving teens with the love of God. I love sharing my life with them. I love sharing my faith with them. I love sitting and talking with Emily her relationships with boys in the coffee shop, and struggling with Brad through all his heartaches and frustrations.

All in all, Lord, I love them because you love them. And this stage of growth that so many fear and despise in our churches and our culture I think is more beautiful and powerful than I ever could imagine.

Sitting in My Angry Chair--August 1, 2007 Journal

I went on the prarie walk at camp today. Robin found it deeply moving. I found it heartwrenching, but in an informative way.

The thing I noticed, and have noticed whenever I have tried to practice the disciplines of silence and solitude, is that anger is never far from me.

As we were challenged to set everything aside as we went on our walk, there were lots of things I could set aside. As much as I tried to sweep anger away, it seemed that anger continued to want to be my companion. It was like I could hear anger breathing heavy behind me, and crouching over my shoulder whenever I tried to do anything on that walk. Anger may not even be the best word. It might be better to say that rage was my companion.

I am angry because in many ways it feels like I have been drawn into a beautiful wooded area on a camping trip, and in the middle of the night everyone decided to pick up camp and leave without me. And here I am in my personal life, on my journey of faith, and in my ministerial journey, left alone and abandoned in a vast wilderness I cannot find my way out of.

I am angry at my family (though not everyone), and some of the things that have happened recently. I am frustrated with parents of teenagers at the church (though not all of them), especially after my talk with one of the kids last night. I am frustrated with constantly being discounted and devalued by leadership at my church. And I am frustrated I did not write this down immediately after the prarie walk, so I could have written it better.

Affirmed--August 2, 2007

Tuesday night was a real blessing to me. After flopping on Monday night, I felt like YOU were leading me to trust my own leadership instincts and abandon our worksheet they had given us to facilitate our discussion with one another.

One of the things I felt led to do, in part because I wanted to cement the bond that our group seemed to be forming through this trip, is to have a time for affirmations. Each person went around the circle and shared something they appreciated about other people in the group. It was great. I thought we could do this for our volunteer and the kids, and avoid having to sit in the affirmation chair. I was wrong. The kids insisted I take my turn.

I expected to hear them say appreciative words about my hard work in organizing the trip, and in some skills I have that they appreciate. I expected them to struggle for words in what to say to me, and for it to be forced and awkward. As a matter of fact, the opposite happened.

I was frankly taken off guard by the group's level of emotion and depth of thought in what they chose to affirm in me. More than one kid cried as they shared what our relationship with one another meant to them. They mentioned my kindness, and my willingness to accept them without judgement or compromise of my values at the same time. They mentioned that they even appreciated when I had the courage to offer them accountability and discipline.

The whole thing was very special. Among adults, I seem to get a majority of my affirmation related to my intellect, and my ability to use that intelligence in teaching, or in offering analysis or support. This time with the kids was different. It was, and this should not surprise me, all about my relationship with them. I guess what surprised me with the situation is that they truly noticed things I thought they would take for granted, including many things I had forgotten myself.

They did not remember what I taught them, and later even asked why they were not getting stuff in youth group that had been taught on multiple occasions. What did they remember? They remembered the relationship. They remembered the faithfulness of my love for them. They remembered the love.

Maybe the Bible is true when it says, "Love covers a multitude of sins".

A Month of Sundays

There is an interesting article about all the journalists in alternative paper in Seattle going to visit churches, and then writing about their experiences. I especially like the play on words in the title of the article (A Month of Sundays is a book by John Updike), and the description of worship at the Vineyard Church (#6). Lots of sarcasm about religion here, and a little foul language, but also some interesting thoughts.

The Ascent

New heights

New challenges

Thin Air

Hard to

Breathe

Standing alone

Above

The World

Surrounded

By Friends

And Strangers

Phone Calls

By Remote

Fail to

Expose

The Removedness

From the

City

That Make

Things Below

Look

So Small

There is a

Power

In an Ascent

And Hope

With the

Distance

That Makes

Powerful Machines

Look Like

Toys of

Little Children

Lord

You Have Shown

Your Glory

On the

Mountain

Now Speak

To Me

And Through Me

In the Valley

of

Matchbox Cars and

Shattered Dreams

My sis and her family on the chair lift at Copper Mountain

Jen in the Giant Beach Chair at Copper Mountain

My nephew's first time in the snow

My Nephews first time fishing

Mom and I in the Giant Chair at Copper Mountain

Family Pic at Cooper Mountain

Solitude

The wind
growls
like a
freight train
coming through
the canyon
stopping for
no one
crashing
through me
without stopping

The wind
stops
the world
is silent
enough to hear
the trill
of invisible birds
and the hum
of hungry insects
hopping from
flower to flower

I sit
on the rocks
that once
sat on
the edge
of a
vast ocean
infinity
surrounds
and moves
past
the speck
that is me

I am the Grim Reaper

I feel very badly. I have prayed for two people to die in the last two months, two people who are prominent Christian leaders, and they both have passed away.

A couple of months ago I saw Jerry Falwell on some television show spouting off his.. well..evil, intolerant, right-wing garbage and was getting angry as he was sharing about the importance of killing Muslims. In line with our inside joke, I turned to Jen and said, "I apologize for my people". (An inside joke: My people=right wing kooks, her people=every left wing nut job special interest groups.)A few moments later I said outloud something to this effect. "Lord, please just take him home. He has had a nice full life. Just take him home." A little over a week later I turned on the radio, and he was dead.

Having not learned my lesson, I recently prayed a similar prayer in a more compassionate sense. Having heard a rerun of a segment on Larry King Live with Billy Graham where he said that she was having a difficult time, and struggled to recognize anyone, I asked God in a brief prayer if he would take her into eternity. Less than a week later, Ruth Graham was also dead as well.

So, I feel a little guilty about Jerry, and not as much about Ruth. Strangely, although God does not answer all my prayers with expediency, this prayer when I pray it seems to have a grisly efficiency. Especially when I do this based upon an immediate, almost impulse-based prompting. And although these are the cases that stick in my mind lately, they are not the only ones. When led to pray for people in my congregations at certain times in this manner, they often die fairly soon after I pray this as well. With the exception of Mr. Falwell, these are all generally folks that are elderly and terminally ill.

Is this creepy or what?

Finding my voice

I have a friend that studied to be a school psychologist in Montana. Toward the end of my time in Montana, she did a study on adolescent boys. At the time, much of popular thought was focused on the book "Reviving Ophelia", which is a tour de force of the perils of being an adolescent female in America.

Joy did her study on adolescent boys, and used the metaphor of voice change for boys as a metaphor of transition of boyhood to adolescence. One of the things that she found was that they also felt a profound sense of loss of their boyhood as adolescents. This was juxtaposed with this anticipation of this "new voice" they were growing into, and this since of hope that they could be the kind of men they hoped to be.

These days, I find myself seeking my voice in many ways.

Through a number of recent circumstances (for those readers that live in my proximity, it may include all of you, but this is not focused toward any one person individually), I have found myself struggling to relearn how to deal with conflict. Much of my work culture encourages me to swallow my voice in order to help other people function with less stress. My job is to keep my boss and constituents happy, and to chase the elusive dream of pleasing everyone. I have never felt good about this part of our organizational culture, but it has become painfully obvious to me that I have slowly surrendered to it without noticing. Sometimes I feel like I have slowly and imperceptably lost my voice.

Yet, when I try to assert myself in stressful situations I struggle to do it well. My face gets red. I get light-headed. I struggle with dealing with what I am supposed to say, and balancing that with what I want to say and what I honestly feel. And I intend to say one thing, but it sounds different when it comes out than when it was in my head. In some metaphorical way, my voice cracks. What I meant to come out strong yet compassionate instead comes out awkward and disjointed. My voice quivers with frustration.

I often notice in others that when they attempt to grow, they tend to overcorrect the shortcomings of the past. The friend that suddenly learns assertiveness wants to have a 20 minute conversation on how you shake their hand, or why you did not eat the potato salad they fixed and how that made them feel. Part of learning my voice in relation to assertiveness and leadership is not being like that person. Other people I know try to be super-nice and friendly, until they blow up in rage and frustration and anger. I do not want to be that person either.

Also, I have another confession to make. One brief conflict drains me of energy for hours. I had a heated discussion with someone this week about some of the things they were saying about other people I cared about, and it took me a good hour to calm down from the discussion. It so turned out in that conversation I held my own, and the conflict brought us closer. But, even a taste of pro-active conflict does not make me eager to seek out another tense conversation.

Having said that, I have come to the conclusion that learning to assert myself in a confident and healthy manner in interpersonal situations is an important part of the way God wants me to grow. I need to find my new voice, so I can move forward with strength.

What do you do?

I have a friend who used to be a children's minister before she finished her teaching degree. She and her husband had dinner with another couple (both couples were eventually in the small group I lead), and they began to talk about work. My friend's female counterpart was an upwardly-mobile accountant that liked to work for FORTUNE 5oo companies.

During their dinner conversation, I was told the accountant asked the children's minister, "Well...WHAT is it that you DOO all day." My friend fumbled to share a laundry list of small things she did to reach out to children, facilitate our church programs, and do ministry. She came to me, angry at the woman for being condescending, and angry at herself for not having a succict answer.

As she told me this I nodded and smiled. "I know what you should say," I said.

"What?" She replied.

"Say you are spending your life working to change our world by shaping children's spirits and values forever," I said, "Then ask very politely, now what is it YOU do?"