Sunday, May 21, 2006

Dark Night of the Soul

This last 6 to 9 months have been the most difficult of my life emotionally. The problem is, I am not sure I can explain why. I have had more difficult times in my life than this...that is for sure. I have had times where my life is less chaotic or less secure. But for some reason, at least since fall, and especially since Christmas, I have had a hard time feeling very happy about anything. Or feeling like anything I do is worth a damn.

Part of this has to do with my work situation. While I have dealt with trauma and crisis is my work situation before, I have rarely had to deal with what is staring me in the face here at First Baptist of Colorado Springs. What is that you ask? FAILURE! Complete and utter failure.

For those of you not familiar with life in the church world...sadly it is a very competitive business. Especially when you work with youth. When you are a youth worker, the expectation is that you will draw youth into the church, who will in turn bring their parents, and thus your church will grow. And now...with my position as the young adult minister as well, I am expected to be a pied piper to bring them in as well. This pressure not only comes from within the local church you serve, it comes from the ministry world as a whole. If your attendance is not growing, than you simply are not doing a good enough job....and your whole livelihood and future feel tenuous.

This has not been that much of an issue at every other place that I have served. Because...while the church struggled to maintain attendance under the senior pastor, the youth groups at least doubled in my tenure in the churches I served at. I had frustrations, trials, and tribulations, but by every measure (individual students growth, leader development, numbers of kids at youth group) I was a success. And the same thing was happening here at First Baptist. The attendance was sharply increasing. The parents were amazed at how many kids were starting to attend. And then the bottom dropped out.

Not so much that our core people left, as they just chose to be less committed. One extended family had a major fight. Lost two students there...because they stopped coming with their cousins. Another family had major mental health issues. A student dropped out of high school and moved. Yet another family started up heading to the slopes to ski or going to tournaments to play soccer every weekend. Another family had extended family issues/crisis. And our little group that could had the same kids attending, but less regularly and less passionately.

Add to this that we began a second service, of which the weight falls mostly on me to lead and coordinate. And this service pushed our youth group time back, which in my opinion did not help us much at all with attendance at youth group.

Now as for the second service...I tried to put this service on the track to be led by teams of leaders who would plan and coordinate the service, and all I would do was put together the order of worship and teach. Well...the key leaders on this team (and also my youth team mind you) went to my boss and said that if the service was not started and soon that they would look at leaving the church. So...as the middle management of the church world as an associate pastor, I end up with all the pressure to push forward the service prematurely. Which means that I put a lot of work into it (like youth group) and it is poorly attended as well. Which makes me feel like....TWICE THE FAILURE that I was before.

And to be honest, I think that all of this is my fault. That attendance would be up if I was more charasmatic. If I was better looking. If I was thinner. Of course, for those long time followers of this blog, you know that part of the reason I think this way is because church leadership had a meeting with me where they said that I was too fat, dont have nice enough clothes, and generally dont fit the image they want to project...and that I had to make major changes or be out of a job. But part of the reason I feel this way is that I feel IT IS my responsibility to turn this church around. And that some how I am not because I dont measure up. Or because I am just a loser.

In my personal life I felt like I had some close friendships with people, and I think they would even today consider me their friends, but I feel like I have been abandoned and betrayed in the friendship. Both because they were a part of the team that did what I described in the previous paragraph, and because I have tried repeatedly to spend time with them only to be rebuffed. And I wonder...what is wrong with me? Not only can I not get work right, I am not good enough to be anyone's friend it seems. Why do I choose toxic people to be my friends?

And then there are my physical problems tied in with stress. There are a lot of times I can feel my blood pressure rising each time I come in the door. It takes me two hours of laying down before I can sleep because I get so upset and wound up in the political drama and that I might crumble under the weight of juggling all these different things.

Saturdays are especially difficult. Why? Because I dread Sundays. And I get nautious and I get headaches and sometimes I even visibly shake just thinking about how much I need to do and how much I really do not want to do it.

I am generally at the church from 8am-10pm. I have Sunday school to lead. Then I have to put on a different hat and help lead our traditional service. Then, I have a youth leader team meeting, and youth group, followed IMMEDIATELY by leading the second service. It is not so much the workload that bothers me. It is the innability to be present in each situation. When I am in youth group I am thinking about the EDGE service, and what I need to get organized in my mind, and whether the team is going to show up on time..(they usually dont). And when in EDGE, I am thinking about what happened in youth group...and frustrated that I cant spend the time just hanging out with the kids that are there afterward. And then when I finally get to EDGE, half the time it is so sparsely attended I want to quit. Then throw in fundraisers on the first sunday of each month, special outings, and sometimes I am trying to juggle five or six different ministry hats on Sunday...and I feel all alone in each of them. And I feel like I am working so hard to do a lot of stuff that I am not doing anything well. And you also need to throw in that I am leading a junior high and a sr. high trip, and that both my leaders on each trip quit the week that my mom went in for surgery on her neck and I went to Alaska...and you begin to see my drama.

(this is the point where you point out that ministers only work one day a week...right?)

(Little tidbit from personal experience I have learned--the amount of preparation for a group of 50 or 100 and the amount for a group of 10 to 20 is about the same.)

Anyway...it is not the busyness that bothers me. Anyone who knows me knows I like to work. The struggle is that
1. I feel like a failure
2. I feel alone in everything I do...which makes me feel like a total loser.
3. Because of the awful way I have been treated here by leadership. Having been told that I have to go on a diet for people to accept me because I did not fit their image. (Too fat, not nice enough clothes) Having been told that if I want to do the "authenticity thing" and be honest and real and transparent that nobody will support me or like me by my senior pastor, and having been manipulated by those I cared about most here, I don't feel like I can trust anyone either.
4. Because I am failing here...I am not sure I am going to be able to find another church without taking a "step back" in salary and position. So I feel like one poor decision (coming here) is going to cost me more than I ever imagined.

And all of this has led to me doubting everything I am and am called to be. To the core of my being....I am questioning everything in my life. I want to escape. And yet I feel trapped and stuck where I am right now.
I am waiting for the shoe to fall.

So keep me in your thoughts and prayers. And ask that this dark, dark time may soon fade into a glorious dawn of a new day.

14 comments:

San Nakji said...

The thing about work is even though it should just be a way to make money so you can do the things you really love, it actually takes up a great portion of our lives and if we aren't enjoying it then it kind of ruins everything else. I am totally with you here man. I had a job a while back that made me so miserable I just didn't know what to do. I guess the easy answer is to dump the job and find something you really love, but it's not always that easy is it? I really hope you find some way to feel better and happier, I won't be praying, but I am hoping ;o)

PS you are a stylie guy, why are they bothering you about your looks? Crazy!

Erin said...

So much I'd love to say here, but I'll leave you with just a few things:
-you're living in such a toxic environment, I fear for your health and heart for ministry
-they are blind
-I am praying, and would be glad to talk more if you ever want to... email me.

Gossip Cowgirl said...

I heard today that FBC-Boise is looking for a Youth Pastor, and I love the pastors there. Had you heard about that?

Friar Tuck said...

Nope..I am probably a little too liberal for them.

David Cho said...

You are describing all the reasons why my days in the ministry are more than a decade behind me.

The "system," if you will, is in ways more worldly and secular than the corporate world. It has all the false values of the world, and then a lot more including spiritual pretentions.

As to the image, they seem to have forgotten that some of the greatest spiritual luminaries of the past wouldn't be acceptable today. The long list includes Spurgeon, Hudson Taylor, and Dwight Moody all of whom were quite a bit overweight.

Hang in there, bro. When I was a youth pastor, the responsiveness from the kids was the greatest reward, and that was all that mattered.

Erin said...

Read this last night in Madeline L'Engle's book Walking on Water;

"To love anyone is to hope in him always. From the moment at which we begin to judge anyone, to limit our confidence in him, from the moment at which we identify [pigeon-hole] him, and so reduce him to that, we cease to love him, and he ceases to be able to become better. We must dare to love in a world that does not know how to love."

Keep daring, even when they've forgotten how.

Aphra said...

I hope things turn around soon.

The criteria for success seem very overwhelming. One a year, our Church has to fill out a form for our denomination and they ask the number questions we either 'guess' at the numbers or write down 'N/A', just to mess with their heads. Our church is a very transient church so we don't put much stock in numbers. Of course, transient churches have other problems! I'll pray for you.

Kimberly Cangelosi said...

Hi Clint, I must have been getting your vibes on Sunday because I was feeling really worried about you.

Being lonely is really hard, but you have two great things going for you right now - you are free and you are young. You can start over if you want, and you wouldn't be able to do that if you had a family of your own. Maybe God is waiting until he's got you in the right job to bring that special someone into your life?

If I were you I'd get aggresive about getting out of First Baptist. There have been signs for a long time that this just isn't a good fit. I can think of so many jobs you would be great at, not just youth ministry, but men's ministry, Christian publishing, freelance writing, and more. Don't worry so much about taking a pay cut because once you get on the right track you will advance quickly - it's when you are on the wrong track that things go slow.

When you are considering your next move, just remember to ask yourself "if I wasn't afraid, would I do this?" And if the answer is yes, then go for it!

Talk to you later, Kim

Brian Vinson said...

I was in a very similar situation as you were, and although I've been out of it for a year, I still have nightmares. My wife told me recently, "I had no idea how deeply that church hurt you."

You are not a failure. You are being required to do more than one person should. You are the SP's whipping boy and you aren't getting any breaks. I know; I had what looks like the same job description as you do, and it was impossible to carry it through.

Jesus Himself couldn't do a successful ministry under those conditions. It's not because you're too fat or don't dress up enough or whatever. You need to get out before that job literally kills you. In the meantime, keep grounded in the fact that you are beloved by God.

Oricon Ailin said...

*hugs* I agree with San Nakji. When you can't stand to get up in the morning or you fear going to work, then it's not the right thing for you. I have been in "toxic" jobs myself, and the best solution is to find something new.

I'm not saying to find a new profession, because Clint, you are a wonderful pastor. You have charisma, charm, and you have an amazing amount of faith. That is something that this world is sadly lacking. So, please, don't stop being a pastor.

What I mean is, find a new church. There are thousands of churches out there, especially those that will appeal to you. Pray and ask God to direct you. You may have to move, but, in the end, if you end up happy and healthy, then it was all worth it.

It's so sad that they put you down because of your weight and stuff. I know how that feels. I get it from my own family. But, in a church, they should be loving and caring, not insulting.

I will pray and ask God to help you find your way. Please don't let it hurt you. I don't want to hear about you having a heart attack or a stroke from the stress. AND...one more thing...

You should NOT have to change who you are for a job. They should accept you for who and what you are. If they can't, it's not the right place for you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Many hugs for you.

Dreaming again said...

I agree with Wilsonian, you're in a toxic environment! And not just because I have colorado issues! (I told you colorado is godforsaking didn't I? Note ...not GodforsakEN (having been forsaken BY God, but Godforsaking ...they throw God away for church politics ....been saying that since I left as a 17 year old)

Anyway ... I AM praying for you!

Our church recently lost our youth pastor (long story) Church of God, Anderson Indiana is a little more liberal in thought than Baptist *grin*

rubyslipperlady said...

Friar, you've received many words of wisdom here, much of which isn't new and you've heard previously.

Now what?

You are in the prayers of many. Is there a way that we can help you otherwise? If there was would you be willing to ask for that help?

My heart goes out to you my friend. You are a unique treasure that is loved by many, but most by God.

Anonymous said...

Hey there – I don’t really know you and you don’t know me but I wanted to comment. I came over to your blog from Mike D’s site (I lead worship at SCU). I read this post and was heart broken. I am not in full time ministry so I don’t grasp everything you are saying but I’ve been around enough to know at least to some extent. First of all I’ve just got to say that if you are looking for numbers and even the fact that you stated the pressure of performing under that structure: The point of real church is being missed. And from what I’ve read from you it’s not being missed by you. It’s missed on a bigger level. Church isn’t about how many people you can cram into a building but business is. Church isn’t about how you can over use an individual on staff (or lay person for that matter) but business is. The problem is church isn’t business or at least it shouldn’t be. Your sounding burnt out bro. You need a break from all of this! Further more you need a place where you can pour out your passion into something and not be the youth guy, the young adults pastor, the janitor, the greeter, etc., etc., etc……….you know what I’m saying??

Now what really broke my heart was the part about the meeting that the “church” people had with you. I think maybe because I’ve been through something similar (more than once). And here’s what I say – you’d be better off without a job than to stay killing yourself here. It’s total BS to put that kind of weight on your shoulders. And how is it your responsibility to turn this church around? If any turning around needs to happen it’s got to come from all of the leaders not just one of them. I just have to ask – is this really what the church is about? Is this really what Christians are about? Is it really!?? If it is I don’t want anything to do with it. Church and God is not making people feel guilty or making them feel out of place. It’s exactly the opposite.

I’m sorry that you have to go through this. I think the unfortunate part is that you are not the only one out there with this story. I’d love to hear more of your story. Shoot me an email sometime………..stephen_baker@countrywide.com I will be praying for direction for you.

'neice said...

Listen to Dreaming Again...she heard all about my toxic environment a few years ago!

Seriously, leaving is not always a step back...especially in that environment. When I inteviewed here I was open and honest about what my SP in IN expected (grow me to grow the church...alone among others things) and they didn't see me as giving up as much as trying to leave a place that was unhealthy.

Praying!

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