Why I am single

I was talking with my mother about one thing she loves to talk about tonight. Her grandchildren. I informed her that she better enjoy them because they will probably be her only grandbabies. Mom of course protested...with the common retort "i have not given up on you yet!"

Then a long debate ensued about the level of my marriagability.

My mom tend to hold out hope by sharing about someone who is more overweight than I am that is getting married. This, however, depresses me more. Mostly this because it makes me feel like I am more hopeless than I originally thought before my mom brought up this issue. It is never good for a single person to hear their marital status referred to like a long term illness. It is also never good when someone cites second hand anecdotal evidence as your only hope in a situation. Also, I know my appearance is not the only issue I have to deal with in finding someone to share my life with. I may be a fat man...but I am definitely a good looking man of girth.

Anyway...after mom offered several other explanations on why I am single and things I can do about rectifying this to make her happy, I have come up with a short list of reasons why I think that I am single in addition to the issues of appearance:

1. I am a minister. Yes, I know all of you know ministers who are married. But most of you know ministers who were married in college or soon after. This is because evangelical christian young adults are horny little boys and girls like the rest of us, and yet often committed to abstinence. So they either get married young so that they can have sex like little bunny rabbits right away, or they have lapses of self-control without birth control and get married to raise the Jr. that is coming. Or people feel called into ministry later, when they already have a family.

But I must tell you....ministry seems to be a major turnoff to lots of women. Especially good women.

And the complex thing about me is....I am not churchy even though I am a church worker. I AM THE FRIAR. I wear Corona T-shirts under my suit on Sunday morning just to be ornery. I have a hula girl in my car, and whiskey on the top of my microwave. So, I am not the typical catch for clergy chasing single women either.

2. I am overly transparent I don't have a lot of "game". That does not mean that I am not charming. But it means that I just don't have a lot of tolerance for the cat and mouse stuff in dating. If I am wondering if something might work out between us, I will just ask you if there is something happening. If I have a crush on you, I will be really nervous about the whole issue for a while, then I will get to a point where I decide I need to make a bold move and do something like send flowers. If I am frustrated, I dont hide it well. If I am twiterpated I dont hide that well either. I am generally not the type of person to hide most of my faults. They are many and apparent to all.

Intellectually most women think all this is a good thing. Deep down they want more of the mystery and the game though.

Not to mention...if I like someone...sometimes I stutter. And stare to much. And get really uncordinated around this person. It is kinda pathetic.

3. I am not an extrovert. Most first dates are like job interviews. And while I am good at answering specific questions, and I am good at asking questions, I usually dont switch gears well. When I listen, I listen. I listen to the words. And the words behind the words. But the date comes to an end, and the woman gets freaked out a little. She has told me her life story, and I remember most of what she has had to say, yet she does not know anything about me.

4. My work habits. I dont have weekends. I work most Saturday nights and all day Sunday. I get up late and stay in the office late.

5. My financial situation Most women in their 20s want a good looking man who is sexy as all get out. Most women that I know in their 30s can still appreciate good looks, but even more than looks are looking for a financially secure man. I work for a church. Enough said.

6. I have not made a long term commitment There a lot of women who see a single man in his 30s as a man who has commitment issues. They prefer someone who is divorced or lived with someone over someone who had a 7 month dating relationship their sophomore year in college.

7. I am argumentative If you are my friend or girlfriend for any length of time, I will get in an argument with you that will make you angry and never want to talk to me again. Often, it will happen in the following manner. You will be spouting off you opinions on this and that or the other. You will assume I agree with you on everything. In fact, I am slowly getting angry at your self righteousness and arrogance. At some point I will ask you a question which makes it clear that I think you should think about things from a broader perspective. You will get angry, and feel like I am not listening to you or supporting you.

Example:
Issue that is on my mind: girlfriend is kind of angry and kind of an emotional bully. Then this situation comes up.

"Did you see that b***h cut me off right before I pulled out. G** dam**, I am going to get out of this car and snatch her scalp bald headed if she does not get out of my way"

me: silence and increased body tension that is visually apparent

woman: do you think I am a little bit crazy?

me: Honestly

woman: Yes (in that calm before the storm sort of tone of voice)

me: I think you are giving that woman a lot of power over you and she probably didnt mean to pull out in front of you. maybe you should look at things from the other persons perspective.

woman: did I tell you I had a pool league tournament this weekend so we wont be able to get together?

8. Being picky. As my mom says about being single...it all depends on how far down in the gene pool you want to go. If you want to fish in the dregs of the human gene pool, you can probably find someone to be with you. I prefer to skim off of the cream of the crop at the top. (I am not talking about appearance when I speak about this)

9. Overly intellectual I analyze everything. I study everything.

10. Can't read signals I feel like there was this meeting of the rest of the world where they discussed how to understand if you are being flirted with, if someone likes you etc. The classes consisted on how to communicate these signals and how to read this mysterious code. I missed it all. So, there are times where I think someone is hinting that they are open to something and they are not (like calling 4 times a week or having me take relationship tests and then telling me how compatable we are or calling me "my prince charming" on several occasions and smiling at me a lot.)

There are other times where I am being flirted with and someone likes me but I dont have a clue because they feel they are communicating interest and I think they are just being friendly.

Again, I dont read signals well.

Which of these sounds the most like you...and the least like you..

do you agree or disagree with my self assesment?