She's Hot, I'm Not

DISCLAIMER: SOME PERSONS DEPICTED IN THIS POST ARE COMPOSITES. SO IF YOU THINK IT IS YOU...IT IS PROBABLY NOT. ALSO, THIS IS MEANT SIMPLY AS GOOD HUMOR. PLEASE DON'T TRY AND READ IN ANY UNDERLYING ISSUES OR CONCERNS. I JUST GOT ON A ROLL AT ABOUT MIDNIGHT THINKING ABOUT THIS AND CRACKING MYSELF UP, SO I THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE WITH YOU.

The other night, I was talking to my friend and former student Chris Dooley about the loser's club I was a part of as a freshman in college. Then, I was talking with Michele, and as I was thinking about what book I could write, I stumbled on something I know. Thus, the emergence of the seminal thought for what may be a literary masterpiece...she's hot, I'm not.

Now, as an overweight, underfinanced minister who is slowly losing his hair, and moving quickly toward middle age, I run into a lot of women who are single like me. While some can see the diamond in the rough that I am, many cannot. Thus, I run into women of all kinds with which I think I have romantic possibilities, only to find out I don't. Let me tell you about a few of these women.

The girl across the hall--
The first time I saw the girl accross the hall I was sitting in my car talking to Mom on a Saturday night, and was struck speechless. She walked down to the car, and all I could see was leg. And this was January. With a trenchcoat and a mini-skirt she walked down the stairs, waived hello, and got into her car. I gasped for breathe.

The girl across the hall enjoys that a.) you notice her AND b.) you know that you have no chance with her so c.) she flaunts everything she has every chance she gets. She runs around in her short shorts and white almost see through tank top with no bra when she knows you are out. She bends over to pick up something and about falls out of her shirt. It is always something she really did not need to pick up. Yet, in a myriad of ways, she makes it abundantly clear you ARE NOT IN HER LEAGUE. Then she talks about how she has to run to the ballet room later so that she can remain her normal, freakishly flexible self.

The Grey Poupon Woman

This woman does not even try to be friends with you. She rolls her eyes when you talk to her. You ask her the time of day, she takes a deep breathe, and then turns away from you to talk to her friend. She mentions she would not date anyone who had a car older than five years old, and talks about how lucky she was to get her outfit on sale for only $200.

Missionary Friend--But Just Friends Gal

Any of you who have been in my position know this one. A gal sees you and feels bad for you. Invites you to hang out with her group of friends. She is nice to you, she is nice looking, she is smart, and she treats you with respect. She makes a special effort to include you in everything. Everytime you see her around she seeks you out and talks to you. You think, hey, maybe this woman could be interested in me. Then you realize somewhere down the road that she was not really interested in you. You were just her outreach project.

If I Weren't Married Woman

This person has two variations. One you think is available, but she isn't. The other is obviously taken, but want you to know if she wasn't you would have a chance (even though you wouldn't.

I had this thing going where I would bring the new women in our apartment building cookies I would cook. Trying to be a good neighbor and all. Anyway...the new next door neighbor was complaining because I had brought the girl across the hall cookies, but I had not brought any over to her. Then she asks you to come over to her apartment for drinks. You oblige. The girl across the hall comes in and says that she is ready to go to the club. The gal you are drinking with says no thanks. She shows you pictures of her child. She tells you what she does. You begin to talk about tatoos and she pulls down her pants to show you the tatoos on her rear end. And you met her 15 minutes ago. Then she lets it out. Her husband drew the picture on her ass. She is recently separated. You finish the drink. She is tired. She will talk to you tomorrow. Two weeks later, she asks you to help her move all her furniture to a bigger apartment. You help her, and now you know what it was all about. She just wanted to use you for your body. Too help move that is. Because after she moves a half a block away, you never see her again.

A variation of this is the woman who likes to tell you that you are just her type, if only she was not married. Of course, you knew this person when they were single too, and she would not give you the time of day. She just wants to instill hope in you. And she wants you to want her, and yet at the same time know that she is clearly out of your reach.

OK DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO ADD? IF SO, LET ME KNOW.