They call it Stormy Sunday

Sundays are hard days for me. I am not sure why. I get all wound up from about Friday night on. Sometimes even Thursday. I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic. What did I forget? What do I need to beg people to get done for Sunday. How am I going to survive my Sunday.

It did not used to be like this. There were up weeks and down weeks. There were months at a time where I really dreaded attending worship. This is different. I just feel like I am not going to survive another Sunday every Sunday. I get really depressed. Attendance is not what I want. I feel like a failure.

Now it is getting to the point where Sundays are not that bad...but Saturday's are just awful. I am full of fear. Full of dread. And I really beat myself up verbally and emotionally for some reason. I don't know why. I wish I could be more positive and more faithful, but I cannot. And I wonder, is it my general temprament, is it my environment, is it my gernaral lack of friends, is it my schedule being weird, or is it some perfect storm of all of it that leaves me screaming and driving around in my car for no reason whatsoever?

I think a big part of it is I have a hard time seeing the future, except for being stuck doing what I am doing. And feeling like I am good at what I do, but set up for failure just being here. I just signed a lease for another year. Hopefully thing will change by the time the lease is up.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.