Saying goodbye is never easy. It is especially hard in church life. It is even harder when you are a pastor saying goodbye to the church you have been serving.
There are a number of challenges as we progress in the direction of moving to Fowler. Jennifer is working hard to find a new job so that we don't have to have a commuter marriage in our first year together. I think the change will be more difficult for her as we adjust to life in Fowler. The people will love her, but I think it will be a challenge to be more in the fishbowl and have less freedom than we have had here in the big city of Colorado Springs.
I am currently immersed managing myself as I leave the Springs. Here are some of the challenges.
Ministry Rewind
Much like you hear about people during end of life phases, I find myself working through the sucesses and the failures, the joys and the conflicts of the last five years. Over and over again I am presented with situations and snippets that give me the opportunity to handle things differently than before or I wncounter a small situation that seems to me like it is a redo of months or years of ministry here before. At times this is good, because it helps me heal from some things. At times this is difficult, because I am tempted to take control of things that are no longer my business to control.
Self Control
When you are in ministry, for better or worse, there are times when you make political decisions. For me, these decisions revolve around how I use (or don't use) my voice. There are several situations, big and small, that I have kept my mouth shut about as I have been here. Some have to do with staff issues, and my efforts to be submissive and supportive of those God has annointed to be in authority over me. It seems as I get closer to leaving, there are more opportunities to use my voice to lash out. People in the church want to triangulate myself and the senior pastor. Sometimes it is tempting to take that bait. Even more, I have unresolved issues that I have not dealt with, and there seem to be opportunities to resolve those issues in my favor. To take revenge.
This is true with members of the church as well. Due to the challenges of navigating relationships at First Baptist, there have been times where I have wanted to be more blunt and confrontational, and I have chosen not to. This is because I wanted to communicate grace and avoid confrontation. It is also because I know if I am too blunt with people I will be disciplined by those in leadership for being so. Right now, there is a strong temptation about being uncensored Clint. Of attacking everyone for every issue I have with them, even those here I love the most. I suppose some times this will be appropriate, but there are several times where it is not.
Blame
Closely associated with the self-control is blame. I want to blame everyone as being the reason I was leaving. My senior pastor. The executive board. The kids when their behavior is poor. Parents. People who refused to volunteer and help. Young adults who lives do not seem to be changed. The list goes on and on.
I have little conversations in my head where I say...If you would not have done ________ than maybe I would not be leaving right now. Childish I know, but it is temptation nonetheless.
This self-control and blame issue becomes even more challenging as people in the church are going through their own grieving process. As they express their frustration and pain with us leaving, I am tempted to lash out and spout off.
Right now it is my responsibility to help people work through the process as a pastor, not to make them work through my process with me.
Agenda Control
It is hard for me not to manipulate things so that things happen the way I want them after I leave. Will my position be replaced? How will the kids be taken care of? How will programs be done after I am gone. My temptation is to take control of things so that I can push my agenda, instead of letting go and letting the church determine its next course.
It is hard to let go. It is hard to stop making decisions. If you love the people you serve and you love the Church, leaving the place God has had you is never an easy thing.
A lot of times, it seems like it would be easier to run away now.
There are a number of challenges as we progress in the direction of moving to Fowler. Jennifer is working hard to find a new job so that we don't have to have a commuter marriage in our first year together. I think the change will be more difficult for her as we adjust to life in Fowler. The people will love her, but I think it will be a challenge to be more in the fishbowl and have less freedom than we have had here in the big city of Colorado Springs.
I am currently immersed managing myself as I leave the Springs. Here are some of the challenges.
Ministry Rewind
Much like you hear about people during end of life phases, I find myself working through the sucesses and the failures, the joys and the conflicts of the last five years. Over and over again I am presented with situations and snippets that give me the opportunity to handle things differently than before or I wncounter a small situation that seems to me like it is a redo of months or years of ministry here before. At times this is good, because it helps me heal from some things. At times this is difficult, because I am tempted to take control of things that are no longer my business to control.
Self Control
When you are in ministry, for better or worse, there are times when you make political decisions. For me, these decisions revolve around how I use (or don't use) my voice. There are several situations, big and small, that I have kept my mouth shut about as I have been here. Some have to do with staff issues, and my efforts to be submissive and supportive of those God has annointed to be in authority over me. It seems as I get closer to leaving, there are more opportunities to use my voice to lash out. People in the church want to triangulate myself and the senior pastor. Sometimes it is tempting to take that bait. Even more, I have unresolved issues that I have not dealt with, and there seem to be opportunities to resolve those issues in my favor. To take revenge.
This is true with members of the church as well. Due to the challenges of navigating relationships at First Baptist, there have been times where I have wanted to be more blunt and confrontational, and I have chosen not to. This is because I wanted to communicate grace and avoid confrontation. It is also because I know if I am too blunt with people I will be disciplined by those in leadership for being so. Right now, there is a strong temptation about being uncensored Clint. Of attacking everyone for every issue I have with them, even those here I love the most. I suppose some times this will be appropriate, but there are several times where it is not.
Blame
Closely associated with the self-control is blame. I want to blame everyone as being the reason I was leaving. My senior pastor. The executive board. The kids when their behavior is poor. Parents. People who refused to volunteer and help. Young adults who lives do not seem to be changed. The list goes on and on.
I have little conversations in my head where I say...If you would not have done ________ than maybe I would not be leaving right now. Childish I know, but it is temptation nonetheless.
This self-control and blame issue becomes even more challenging as people in the church are going through their own grieving process. As they express their frustration and pain with us leaving, I am tempted to lash out and spout off.
Right now it is my responsibility to help people work through the process as a pastor, not to make them work through my process with me.
Agenda Control
It is hard for me not to manipulate things so that things happen the way I want them after I leave. Will my position be replaced? How will the kids be taken care of? How will programs be done after I am gone. My temptation is to take control of things so that I can push my agenda, instead of letting go and letting the church determine its next course.
It is hard to let go. It is hard to stop making decisions. If you love the people you serve and you love the Church, leaving the place God has had you is never an easy thing.
A lot of times, it seems like it would be easier to run away now.
1 comment:
I am loving reading all you have posted. I think leaving as a pastor must be so much harder than leaving a regular job. You have not only invested time, but yourself into that church and people.
I have NO doubts that there are many grieving - been there, done that. Just take the love with you and let God deal with the negatives.
You will do great, I have no doubts.
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