Friendships

I just finished reading LEADERSHIP FROM UNLIKELY VOICES. Very cool book.

At the end it talked about the way that friendship develops. It makes me think about what it means to have a friend, and to be a friend as well.

I am thinking about this in part because of the way our society is deveoping, and the church will be emerging. I think it is going to be more and more central to the church to have a biblical theology of friendship. What it means and what it does not.

My friendships have developed in many different ways. With some of my friendships, our relationship took a while to develop. I remember one friend in particular, and I was better friends with his wife than him to begin with. After a while, both by natural process and conscious decision, I became closer to my friend than his wife. Now when we talk on the phone, I talk to her for two or three minutes, and then ask where her husband is, and we talk for an hour or so.

Another friend went to a Christian conference where they were told to adopt a single person as a friend and as someone to support. My name came to both of their minds simultaneously. Our relationship started with me as their mission project. Then we became friends.

Other friendships of mine have developed through meaningful shared experiences, such as my friendship with my buddy Dan here in the Springs. We got along ok before we took a van to St. Louis. Once we returned our friendship was cemented.

Yet, I think that there are certain foundations for authentic, healthy friendships.

A sense of mutuality and equity--
This is what is so amazing about Jesus saying something to the effect of "You used to call me Teacher....now call me Friend". In this moment, Jesus takes of the role of authortity for a relationship of equity, even though he is the Lord of the Universe.
The same thing is true of real friendships. Power dynamics are lost when people relate as friends, even if at other moments they must play other roles. At the point of friendship there is an openness to mutual learning and support.
One thing I try to communicate to students as they grow older is where they were once students that I strove to love and lead, they are now friends that add a lot to my life. Some people would disagree, but I think there is something healthy about that.

A sense of committment--
This may sound corny, but I think that a true friendship has to have some sense of commitment to ongoing relationship. A close aquaintence that you cannot trust to stay in relationship with you through conflict, difficulty etc. is really no friendship at all. The levels and frequency of relation may change, but a friend is a friend for the indefinite future.

Nearly every friendship I have had has come to a point where the new wears off. Where the friendship at that moment seems more trouble than it is worth. In true friendships I press on through the difficulty of annoyance. It is there that the true rewards of friendship begin.

Medieval clerics took this concept seriously. They often, knowing they were not going to get married, drew up covenants of lifelong friendship with one another. Lately, the homosexual activist theologians have tried to use these covenants as evidence of homosexual marriage in the church. Thus, they hypersexualize these documents. These were about people intentionally committing to love one another as friends. Whether spoken or written, or quietly assumed, real friendships do the same.

A sense of sacrifice--
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friend," said Jesus. Friendship is about having to listen to your friend whine about the same thing over and over again because you love them. It is talking with them instead of watching your favorite TV show. It allowing your friend to have the last french fry when you are sharing a Value Meal.

I remember Pastor Ben Moor looking down at his book, and then giving it to me. It is a book about Bonhoeffer called A Testament to Freedom. He said, "It is not really a gift if it does not cost me anything." Then he insisted I take the book. I have the book. Even more I have repeated the lesson. In the same way, the gift of friendship is not real until it costs me something. The blessing of friendship is that both friends are working in that direction.

Does anyone else have anything to add?