Quotes from Comedians

WHICH IS YOUR FAVORITE??

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.
Chris Rock

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.
Chris Rock

Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.
Chris Rock

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
George Carlin

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Jerry Seinfeld

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

Gray hair is God's graffiti.
Bill Cosby

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
Bill Cosby

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
Bill Cosby

There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.
Bill Cosby

When you become senile, you won't know it.
Bill Cosby

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
Rodney Dangerfield

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
Rodney Dangerfield

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
Jeff Foxworthy

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."
Bill Maher

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Bill Maher

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
Dennis Miller

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
Dennis Miller

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
Dennis Miller

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
Dennis Miller

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
Robin Williams