I remember a moment when I was little. And I felt God wanted me to love the whole world, and yet I had come to the sudden realization that that I would never meet even one percent of the people on the earth. And it grieved me. For days. So many people I could not help, could not know, could not love! It was overwhelming to my elementary school aged soul.
Yet sometimes, I think I am developing more of a hard edge now. I get easily frustrated with people coming out of prison in Canon City that stop off here and ask for money from me. There are a lot of people I do not want to love, or even get to know any better than I already do. I seem to want to run away from the people that annoy me. I want to get in a safe little huddle with people like me. Then I think, "Clint, you are a jerk!" Then I scream back to myself that I should not treat myself like that. This is when the people in the cars next to me think I need to be committed!
I seem to have gotten to this point where I am tired of giving folks there strokes all the time. I am tired of saying what I am supposed to say instead of what I really feel. And I grieve that the only time I can really cuss like a sailor is when I am by myself. Yet at times, as I become more assertive with lots of things, I feel guilty. I feel I am being selfish. I feel I have compassion shrinkage. But I also feel more honest.
What do you think?
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4 comments:
I think you sound like every human being on this planet. We all want to be good (well almost all of us) but it can just get so damn tiring. Don't beat yourself up about it, just do the best you are able. If there is a God, then I am sure He will appreciate your effort and your honesty.
It is called as young-man-syndrome. The more you become young, the more worldly you become. At the tender age, you remain pure, then as the years pass by you become corrupted, then again at the old age, you start returning to your original. You again see through the fog of middle age to your childhood and again pine to be a child, who is not materialistic. At the old age you know that you were right as a child.
I think you sound honest, and I'm proud of you for saying it. We all feel this way, I think, on some level, but a lot of us (like me) are afraid to say it because it might "distort" our image.
I find that the only time I can really be compassionate is when I'm not thinking about it. When it comes naturally, out of who I am. Otherwise, it's forced and unreal. And I'd rather be honest than be that. If everyone was being compassionate out of their deepest heart, there would be so little need for compassion. At least you do it when you can, when it's real. The fact that you don't do it all the time makes you human. And that's what we are. The fact that you are honest about it makes you courageous and authentic, and that's more of what we're supposed to be than anything else.
I think we all want to be the best person and try to help everyone that we can. But, we are only human, and can only handle so much.
I'm proud of you Clint for being honest with us and yourself. It's okay to feel the way you do.
It's even harder when you are a minister...because there is this perception that you must be God-ly and never speak anything but biblical truths and soft words.
I remember something a former priest of mine once said. She said, "Heather, I consider cussing a primitive form of prayer. It's a great way to get things outta you and cleanse your soul." LOL. Hey, and it works!
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